Hey I am Vani. And here’s my story of survival.
There have been many instances in my life where I’ve felt that “this was worth living for”. But many more where I wished I could die. My journey has been incredible. I never thought I’d be someone who would want to end my life until one day I just did.
Survivor Series: Vani
Looking back, it was just the feeling of hopelessness. Thinking that the world had nothing to offer. That’s when the thoughts creeped-in. Maybe the feeling that no one would miss me if I was gone?
My life wasn’t always the best life. I was bullied in school and misunderstood at home. I did get good grades but no one could understand me. And that left a void inside of me that I couldn’t ever fill. But as I grew up the problem got worse. The financial crisis my family faced was the worst blow. We had years where there was no income in the house and we barely scraped together enough to survive.
Then layers of what happens to women happened to me too. Slut shaming by people l considered my closest friends. Being alienated. Being told how I was not good enough. How I was a burden in more than one way. Being related to an alcoholic. Undergoing trauma mentally and physically. I don’t know where exactly I jumped off the ledge but self-harm was my escape.
Survivor Series: Vani
I went through everything life could throw at me except maybe deadly diseases. I thought it was better for me to be dead than alive. For everyone including me. But it was long before I realised I was wrong. I’m Vani and I’m a survivor. It’s still hard sometimes to live but the love and care people have shown me and how the world opened its arms for me when I welcomed it… made me realise maybe it’s not so bad to live longer… Happier.
I still have bad days but with full knowledge of the great ones that passed and amazing ones ahead. I still have a hard time opening up. The Reading Room and the Orange Room, and a few other organizations and mostly a few very particular people helped me out a lot in that sense. Some have done more damage after they’ve helped me too. The cycle is weird. But along the way somehow I learnt to help myself. And now, I’m more alive than I’ve ever been. It all just takes time. Maybe it’s okay to live, one day at a time.
— Vani
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