I am Sangeetha Param. I am from Bangalore, India. And here’s my story of survival.
When a person stands in front of a mirror, it reflects their image. A meaning is giving to the image by the person through feelings, emotions and thoughts. Waking up one day, I stood in front of the mirror and gave meaning to the image I saw. I saw a girl in pain. She had scars, both visible and invisible. The fat accumulated around her skin filled with unresolved issues and baggage. Her eyes filled with tears and as she blinked they fell on her cheeks. I stood there watching my body become numb as sadness attacked me like a swarm of bees. Depression had set in. The wounds which I had hid from the sunlight for years opened up and they burnt as the moisture in the air touched them.
Survivor Series: Sangeetha
My insecurities of being unimportant, unworthy poured out. My self esteem level reached the negative end of the meter scale. I felt I was ugly. I looked down at my feet as I remembered the mistakes I made. The guilt which followed wouldn’t let me see myself. I felt lonely, hurt and pained. I wanted everything to end. In November 2014, I walked out of my house hoping to come back lifeless. Fortunately or unfortunately, life had different plans for me. My family saw me fall into the pit of depression and did everything they could to bring me out of the pit. I was taken to different therapists and psychiatrists. I was put on medication and given intense therapy as I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder ( also known as Manic Depression where a person experiences extreme mood swings of mania and depression) and Borderline Personality Disorder (which is a mental health disorder that affects one’s way of thinking and feeling about oneself which includes self-image issues, difficulty in managing emotions and behavior and a pattern of unstable relationships).
I breathed a sigh of relief being tagged with these terms as now there was a scientific reason to what was happening and everything was not something I created in my head intentionally. I was told that there were many people in the world who were diagnosed with the same. My Bipolar Disorder was managed with medication and my Borderline Personality Disorder was managed with therapy. I had my roller-coaster rides even after medication and therapy. I thought I would be fixed but only then I understood that this is a lifetime challenge I will have to face.
I have been bullied, sexually assaulted and what not. When I was 11 years old, we had an uninvited guest. It was death who came knocking threatening to take my father’s life by giving him Blood Cancer. We fought against death as a family and won the battle. The reality of life was brought to my eyes at a very young age. I stepped into the shoes of an adult even before I became a teenager. As a teenager, I had a lot of problems dealing with my unstable mind leading me to become impulsive. I self harmed a lot and ended up becoming addicted to it. I developed abandonment issues as I lost a lot of friends. My self confidence dropped to the bottom and eventually I reached the last year of my teens. I thought my problems would end with the end of my teens years, but guess that was a wish too soon. It was just the beginning.
Survivor Series: Sangeetha
In 2015, the Cancer organization my father belongs to called for an essay writing competition. It was during the time I was in the trough end of the wave filled with depression and negativity. My father insisted I give it a shot and I read the topic. It read, “A caregiver’s experience with a cancer patient”. I sat and wrote. I typed and typed and I didn’t stop. By the time I was done, I had 2 pages filled with words and two eyes filled with tears. My father read my essay, made a few changes and we clicked submit. In a few days we got a call that my essay won the competition. Overjoyed, I opened the word document to see it was a huge space for me to pour my feelings. A judgment free world, I began to write. I wrote down every feeling, emotion and thought and I gave me solace. Little did I know at the age of 20 I will discover my love for writing which was therapeutic for me.
The year 2018 gave a gift of confidence. Watching my father give talks on his cancer survival story, I was inspired to do the same on mental health. The hope in the listener’s eyes, “If he can beat cancer, I can too” got me thinking in the lines that, “I waited 20 years to speak about my pain, there might be so many out there who are afraid to speak about their mental health.” I gave my first talk in a cafe and since then I have been trying for opportunities where I can speak my story so that in a crowd at least even if 1 person takes home a lesson my intentions were met. I gave two Ted talks following that out of which in one I shared the stage with my father.
When I speak my story, I feel and relive every emotion which teaches me one thing, “An incident can cause you pain which might kill you, but as days go by if you feel 0.00001 less pain out of 100, you got to pat yourself in the back for making an effort to get better.” Today when I stand in front of the mirror, I see an image of a girl with wounds that are healing. I see scars which remind her of lessons and not mistakes. I see her still fat but her body image shows her that her fat cells are melting with every happy moment she enjoys mindfully. I will always have my memories and my pain, it will always be a part of me. Today I won’t be who I am if not for them. Make your painful memories into fairy tales with lessons like you are reading from a child’s book. A mirror reflects an image, it is you who gives meaning to it. The image, you, remain constant but it is how you reflect upon the reflection is what matters.
— Sangeetha Param —
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