From Puppet to Person: A Journey of Unlearning
Just don’t stop choosing yourself
When I was in high school, some of my classmates got second stud piercings done. I loved it and asked my mother if I could also get my second stud pierced. She said no. I asked her a couple of times in the following days, and she kept saying no. One day she said, “Not now. Get it after you get married. A boy from a good family who comes to see you might reject you if he or his parents don’t like girls with a second stud.” I was shocked, and I felt so bad about myself. I felt like a puppet.
A couple of years later, I had surgery. Post-surgery complications arose, and I was rushed to the casualty. There was blood everywhere. I was losing consciousness, and my blood pressure was dropping. I vaguely saw my mother fainting. Voices, lights, and flashes of memories flooded my mind.
I was on the verge of dying, and I was going to die without a second stud. I hadn’t travelled anywhere. I had never been allowed even one school trip. I had never stepped out of the cage. There were countless things I wanted to do but never did. I was so well protected, yet I hadn’t lived. In that casualty, regret hit me. I had denied myself so many things because of one question: What will others think? That feeling of regret in the casualty is something I never want to experience again.
After that, I started doing the things I had always wanted to do. Choosing yourself comes with consequences. When you stop living the way others expect, some people may begin to dislike you. It takes time to unlearn the need to always be the “good girl.” But the regret of not living your life is far scarier than disappointing people who try to impose their beliefs on you.
So, I got my second stud pierced. The girl who once felt like a puppet refused to be one anymore. If a second stud was enough for someone to reject me, that was not a family I wanted to marry into.
This is something I began to truly unlearn during my Dance Therapy course; the freedom to do what I like without constantly worrying about what others might think or feel. It felt unfamiliar at first, but also liberating. And that is what I wanted to give to the community here: the courage to choose themselves and be okay with it.
Growing up, I saw very few women choosing themselves. Most of them were quickly labelled ‘ahankari’. But I slowly realized something important. People make decisions for you, but you are the one who has to live with the consequences. It affects you, not them.You wouldn’t wish that kind of restriction on someone else. So why do it to yourself?
For me, give to gain means giving yourself the freedom to live authentically so that the women around you feel they can do the same.
Recently, I heard my husband telling my niece while they were playing in the other room, “Be like Maami. Do whatever you like in your life.” And that made me smile.
Because sometimes choosing yourself is enough to give someone else permission to do the same.
So be an ‘ahankari’. Be a ‘bad girl’. Be a disappointment if you must.
Krishnendu B.S (Founder-Navem, Dance/Movement Therapy Practitioner)
