Hey I am Rena. And here’s my story of survival.
Survivor Series: Rena
I have been struggling with chronic stress and depression for quite a while, with the stress aspect of it arising from the closest people in my life. This was something that’s been with me for a very long time, until my psychiatrist put a name to it. Ever since my childhood, I’ve suffered from anxiety, trust issues, mood swings and social anxiety. I did social distancing long before it existed; and found comfort in it. My day to day life was just too difficult to survive, with people around. Growing up, I never said “no” to the things I never agreed to, or I was unhappy doing, because I thought it wasn’t fair to say “no”. It became a habit to just play along with whatever came my way, even the things I was unhappy with. When I was 14, I was molested by a close relative. It scared and traumatized me. I developed trust issues. I never shared this with anyone because I thought no one would believe me. It was impossible for me to trust anyone again—for years.
I got married when I was 23, to my close friend. He was the only person I trusted and he was always there for me. I felt safe only with him and no one else—friends or family. Years passed by and one day I realized that I’m not able to suppress my depression anymore when simple, day-to-day tasks were beyond my capability. It was impossible for me to do trivial things like getting up from the bed or even going to the washroom. I couldn’t function. I started procrastinating everything. Food was the only thing that gave some comfort. During a period of about a year and a half, I gained 29 kilos: From a featherweight 56kg to a whopping 85kg.
Survivor Series: Rena
When I was sinking every other minute from depression, anyone who had met me during that time wouldn’t get a clue on how bad my mental health was. Because for them, I looked a functional, happy person. I always looked like a functional human being, handling family, work and household chores. But inside, I was sinking most of the days. I constantly thought of killing myself many times and tried it a few times, unsuccessfully. Every month I used to visit my psychiatrist and when I am back, my daughter used to ask me “Are you okay?” My then 5-year-old who figured her mother wasn’t doing well. She stood by me. Somewhere deep inside though, I yearned to live. I went to the psychiatrist myself, because I figured I need help. I’ve been in therapy for a few years. Fast forward to now; I am off my medicines, feeling so much better, thanks to a dear friend MH without whom it would have never been possible. He taught me to take care of myself before anything else. I started exploring new things, changed my eating habits (Now I am back from 85kg to 61kg, which makes me feel good about myself) slowly moving my body and the importance of physical exercise. And I am evolving!
And I’ve learned a few things in my journey thus far. I learnt to never compare yourself Vs. Other people… your struggle vs. others’ happy faces. Everyone is fighting their own battles. I ask my daughter who is just 7, to be kind to people. Be kind to all, since you never know what the person next to you is going through. If you have the fear of losing people, don’t worry, focus on yourself and those who truly care for you will understand and will stay by you. Cut off toxic people (someone who basically brings you down) from your way. Even if it’s your loved ones or parents, draw a line. Ignore the dose of free advice which you get from random people about being sad, they have no clue of what you’re going through. Most people equate crippling depression to sadness. Get help from a professional psychiatrist/therapist if you feel you need help. Take care of yourself first, because you need to be healthy and well in order to take care of the ones you care about. Like they say in flights, put your oxygen mask on before helping others. Most of us don’t realize we need help. I’m grateful to have friends who just check on me constantly. They don’t even expect me to reply but they check on me anyways. I am in a good space now, thanks to my people!
— Rena Satisan–
Rena – Survivor
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