Hey I am Jyothisha and here’s my journey of survival.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) in the later half of my twenties and I was thrilled at the diagnosis. After years of living with a super puzzling self-identity and shifting self-image, I could finally understand why I did what I did. Now I knew why I made irrational impulsive decisions, had destructive, consuming rage, sabotaged relationships and more…
I realized I had a mood disorder and was not a ‘bad’ or ‘immature’ person. I stopped hating and blaming myself. I convinced myself I deserved kindness. Understanding BPD helped me make sense of my own mind and feelings, or the lack of it. It helped me rationalize my actions, past and present.
Most importantly, I could now understand why and how I always dealt with pain and found it more difficult than others to return to the ’emotional baseline’, simply meaning just getting back to ‘being ok’.
Survivor Series: Jyothisha
In the past one year or so, working my way through therapy and self-awareness exercises, I have gained some control over my frequent mood swings. With awareness, my decisions are more thought out and considered, and my life is getting calmer. The process wasn’t easy. It meant leaving people, places and self-destructive habits. It meant learning to communicate more effectively and not masking agony in rage.
It meant being bold about my vulnerabilities, accepting them and working to better them. As I grow more and more aware and comfortable with my ‘BPDness’, I do feel more and more peaceful both internally and externally. Living with BPD comes with its intense gifts. I have harnessed the empathy, affection and creativity to my benefit and it helps me connect with people better, every day.
I also found my purpose in bettering my career and becoming a better version of myself- each day. I am finally committed to taking care of myself and there are more good days than ever.
–Jyothisha–
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