They say when you see a bright white light in your sub conscious mind, it is heaven welcoming you to its realm. That’s when the question arises, ‘ Should I? Or Should I not? ‘. The will power you have is your answer.
I faced the bright white light! As I stood there looking at it wondering what to do, the closer it came to me. I stared into this white realm which seemed deceiving to me. I took a step back as I did not want to go there. I was not ready to go. I blinked. I took the first breath of my second chance in life and my heart beat fast.
I got my life back, the life I took. The thought of facing my fears in the real world seemed nothing in front of the white light which pulled me in. I took the drastic step of taking away my life because of my evil mind and cruel world.
Why do I call my mind evil?
I call my mind evil as it drives me crazy. It makes me think in the most vicious way; both positive and negative. It over exaggerates every emotion, every situation, every feeling and every thought. Controlling my mind became a challenge and I was failing to conquer it. Slowing the mind reached it’s saturation as it could not handle things anymore.
Why the cruel world?
The world is cruel. My evil mind, made me look at the world cruelly. The people, the environment, surroundings and situations. My body was like a sponge absorbing the vapors of negativity from the surroundings. It’s my second chance this time. A cat has nine lives while I got two. This time I wanted things differently. What happened that I had to deserve a second chance? Let me take you back a few years.
The Flashback:
A child’s cry echoed in the corridors of a hospital on a warm June day.
21st June. Zodiac sign: Gemini. The twins.
Little did the little girl know she would have a twin within herself as she laid with her eyes closed, wrapped in a white blanket, rocked to sleep. As she grew up, her brain developed faster than it should. Let me explain:
Age seven
She was bullied by her friends in her neighborhood. That brought in insecurities in her where she began to doubt her worth. She hid these insecurities from her parents and close ones as she felt it was something she would be able to handle herself. Hence, she got her own toys, played by herself.
Age nine
She had a cute sister who was three years younger. As an older one, she held her little sister’ s hand as she walked back from school. On a rainy day, a man passed by as they walked on the street. He stopped came a few steps back and attacked this little nine year old. She froze not knowing what to do. But she held herself together and took her little sister back home safely with the nasty image of the man who groped her on the street of her locality.
That brought in fear of men. She kept it to herself as she did not want anyone knowing that she was a victim.
Age eleven
This age made her grow. A year before teenage she showed the maturity of an adult. Her father was diagnosed with blood cancer and was in his final stage where he had a battle with death. He stood at the door of her house and before he stepped out he called his two angels and said to them, ‘ I am going today to fight my battle, but I will come back. ‘ Little did he know that she knew what he battle was. They hugged and he set off. Three months of battle, he fought and he won. He kept the word he made to his girls and he came back. The eleven year old took care of her little sister, of her household and she turned into an adult at that age, taking up responsibilities.
Teenage- Twelve to Nineteen.
This is a major period of transition in every person’s life. She also transformed. Her strengths became her weakness. She started losing hope. She became a victim to her insecurities. Hurting herself and crying nights were her solace. Friends became foes. Names she had to hear from the world, ‘Loser ‘, ‘Attention seeker’, ‘Immature’, ‘ Annoying’, and it did not stop there.
One day, she decided to end it all. She decided it was time she saw the white light. But, she blinked and came back and life gave her a second chance. This girl who is 23 years old now, is none other than ME.
I am a victim, no, a SURVIVOR, of depression. I am bipolar and I am not ashamed of it.
A horrific difficult past made me a better person today. I face everyday as a challenge. I have my mood swings, I still cry at nights but I know how to stop my tears with my own thoughts using my strengths.
I wrote an essay about my father’s cancer story and won an award. That gave me hope and made me realise I could write. Since then, I started using writing as my own form of therapy.
It was 2014 November when I broke down. I was taken to a counselor and am on medication since then. I am not afraid of depression nor am I afraid to be judged.
I call myself a survivor who chose to stay away from the bright white light. I found writing theraputic
I published a book, ‘Key to Acceptance’ in May 2017 and am in the process of publishing another one soon.
I have a small message, The proverb says, ‘Survival of the Fittest’ but I think, it should read, ‘Survival of the bravest’.
So, don’t think about reaching out to the bright white light, instead, take a ray of the bright white light ( your difficulties being the ray ) and a prism ( being you ) and keep the prism in the path of the ray such that a rainbow of colours is formed on the other hand ( which would be your new you ). Count the colors on the rainbow and discover a new you in each color.
Sangeetha Param
Author/ Poet/ Fighter/ Cancer Advocate
Sangeetha visited Reading Room Trivandrum on 21 July 2018 where she spoke about her experiences with mental health issues.
Sangeeta Param
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